Hello everyone!
I can’t thank you all enough for your warm wishes at my good news, so I thought instead of a thank you, I would offer up my services to you querying writers!
What I’m offering!
- A first chapter critique to the top THREE entries!
- ANY genre is welcome
- YA, MG, or ADULT are welcome
What you need to do!
- Place your Name, Genre, Email, Query, and first 150 words of your MS (doesn’t have to be completed!) in the comments below
- Post it by FRIDAY JAN 18 5pm EST
On Monday, Jan 21st, I’ll announce the WINNERS!
Easy, right?
In case you’re stumbling along the blog and want to learn more about who I am, please stop by my ABOUT ME page! If you’d like to learn more about my amazing “How I Got My Agent” story, stop by HERE!
Good luck!!!
Krystal Marquis
The Thirteenth Subject, YA Sci/fi
krystalmarquis387@gmail.com
Dear Ms. Scullly,
Evangeline wants to know why she’s different.
She wants to know where her ability to read minds and levitate objects came from.
But first, she wants to escape a posh downtown apartment before the owners realize she’s there.
After the murder of her only friend, Charlie, sixteen-year-old Evy is kidnapped. In the bowels of the Chimera Corporation an unbelievable truth is revealed. Evy is a product of genetic engineering designed to combat an endangered human race with superhuman abilities. Once worshipped as gods, then hunted as witches, the Gifted have assimilated into society by keeping their existence hidden…until now.
Thrust into a world she barely recognizes, Evy recovers latent memories and learns the skills necessary to defend humanity under the watchful eye of Chace, Subject Number Seven. Despite her developing feelings for him, Evy struggles with the suspicion that Chace is responsible for the death of her friend. And the more she learns about the Chimera Corporation, the more she questions its motives and her real purpose in this conflict.
While investigating Charlie’s murder Evy must separate fact from fiction, friend from foe, and decide where she stands before war breaks out.
THE THIRTEENTH SUBJECT is a YA science fiction complete at 81,000 words.
I am a premed student at Boston College by day and an avid writer by night.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Per your submission guidelines, I have included the first 150 words of the manuscript.
Sincerely,
Krystal Marquis
The Thirteenth Subject
I hear them before I see them. I always do. Something gives them away like a thought too loud to conceal. This time it’s two pairs of footsteps, wheels on a tile floor, and angry whispers. Keys jingle in a singsong rhythm with my increasing heartbeat.
“Please, keep walking. Keep walking,” I chant to the girl in the mirror as if she has any power to keep the quarreling couple from entering my temporary living quarters. Deep in the apartment I wait, motionless, straining to follow the sounds emanating from the hallway. The soft glow of the night-light casts dark shadows over the room. My hands fumble around the sink. The sound of the toiletries bag zipping closed echoes in the small space. I close my eyes and let my exceptional hearing do its work.
The footfalls stop before apartment 3B.
I have one minute, maybe two.
Evangeline wants to know why she’s different.
She wants to know where her ability to read minds and levitate objects came from.
But first, (You don’t really need “but first” here. I’d tie the three lines together or omit them.) she wants to escape a posh downtown apartment before the owners realize she’s there.
(You can really just start the query here. You don’t necessarily need the lead-in). After the murder of her only friend, Charlie, sixteen-year-old Evy is kidnapped. In the bowels of the Chimera Corporation(,) an unbelievable truth (try to avoid vague phrases in queries – let us know a little more on what is revealed) is revealed. (tie this back in to the previous sentence. Evy discovers she is the…) Evy is a product of genetic engineering designed to combat an endangered human race with superhuman abilities. Once worshipped as gods, then hunted as witches, the Gifted have assimilated into society by keeping their existence hidden…until now (Omit this “Until now” it comes off as cliche).
Thrust into a world she barely recognizes (I’d say understands – it implies more than “recognizes” which feels like recognizing a friend than understanding a place), Evy recovers latent memories and learns the skills necessary to defend humanity under the watchful eye of Chace, Subject Number Seven. Despite her (Omit: developing) feelings for him, Evy (suspects) that Chace is responsible for the death of her friend. (Omit: And) The more she learns about the Chimera Corporation, the more she questions its motives and her real purpose (Vague, I would omit unless you can say more specifically what the conflict is: in this conflict).
While investigating Charlie’s murder(,) Evy must separate fact from fiction, friend from foe, and decide where she stands before war breaks out. (I’d tie this into the previous paragraph to state what the conflict is. That would work perfectly).
THE THIRTEENTH SUBJECT is a YA science fiction complete at 81,000 words. (a stand alone or with series potential?)
I am a premed student at Boston College by day and an avid writer by night.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Per your submission guidelines, I have included the first 150 words of the manuscript.
Sincerely,
Krystal Marquis
The Thirteenth Subject
I hear them before I see them. I always do. Something gives them away like a thought too loud to conceal. This time it’s two pairs of footsteps, wheels on a tile floor, and angry whispers. Keys jingle in a singsong rhythm with my increasing heartbeat.
“Please, keep walking. Keep walking,” I chant to the girl in the mirror as if she has any power to keep the quarreling couple from entering my temporary living quarters. Deep in the apartment I wait, motionless, straining to follow the sounds emanating from the hallway. The soft glow of the night-light casts dark shadows over the room. My hands fumble around the sink. The sound of the toiletries bag zipping closed echoes in the small space. I close my eyes and let my exceptional hearing do its work.
The footfalls stop before apartment 3B.
I have one minute, maybe two.
(This query is super close. It needs some tightening of language and vague details eliminated, but overall, GREAT job!)
Aldrea Alien
Dark One’s Mistress, Adult Fantasy
aldreaalien@yahoo.co.nz
Dear Ms. Scully,
Clara battles for her freedom from the moment soldiers snatch her from the streets of Everdark and give her to the kingdom’s newest Lord, Lucias. Trapped within his fortress, she soon discovers her worse fear is true: their Lord is in need of an heir, and its conception must be before the new moon.
Despite Lucias’ charm, Clara is determined not to become his mistress, never mind his veiled ultimatum of coming to him willingly or being forced. And then there’s the small matter of him stealing souls. To complicate things further, Clara learns that Lenora of Ne’ermore, an old enemy and ex-prisoner of the kingdom, has dispatched her pet barbarian to slaughter Lucias and, to ensure there’s no chance of an heir, Clara must die as well.
Escape comes with its own price, for if Lucias dies without a child to inherit the dark power controlling the soulless criminals enslaved in his army then they will be free to terrorise the land. Clara is caught between regaining her freedom or losing it completely for the good of the kingdom. She doesn’t have long to decide before the barbarian arrives and escape is no longer an option.
DARK ONE’S MISTRESS, complete at 71,000 words, is a standalone Adult Fantasy novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Aldrea Alien
“Clarabelle!” The cry rang out, scattering the pigeons resting atop the roofs and sending the nearby cats into a fit of hissing as they scampered for cover.
Clara halted on the edge of the street, her face burning as the echo of her mother’s manly bellow continued. All around her, men and women paused in their daily business. The street gained an eerie silence. In the past, she’d heard worldlier folk boast that such deathly quiet could only be heard here in Everdark.
Then someone coughed, another person sneezed, and the sounds flooded back. The hum of talk. The clink of coins. A few turned to stare at her, the young woman in question, but mostly, the irate cry seemed to be forgotten.
A sigh huffed through her lips. Why does she have to scream like that?
Dear Ms. Scully,
Clara battles for her freedom from the moment soldiers snatch her from the streets of Everdark and give her to the kingdom’s newest Lord, Lucias. Trapped within his fortress, she soon discovers her worse fear is true: their Lord is in need of an heir, and its conception must be before the new moon.
Despite Lucias’ charm, Clara is determined not to become his mistress(.) (N)ever mind his veiled ultimatum (strange wording here – confusing? How is it veiled if he is directly saying come or be forced? Maybe “threat” instead of “veiled ultimatum”) of coming to him willingly or being forced. And then there’s the small matter of him stealing souls. To complicate things further, Clara learns that Lenora of Ne’ermore, an old enemy and ex-prisoner of the kingdom (his kingdom or hers?), has dispatched her pet barbarian to slaughter Lucias and, to ensure there’s no chance of an heir, Clara must die as well (I’d break this sentence down into two. I got confused with what Lenora was sending and why. Pet barbarian?).
Escape comes with its own price, for if Lucias dies without a child to inherit the dark power controlling the soulless criminals enslaved in his army(,) then they(who will be free or what? The dark powers?) will be free to terrorise the land. Clara is caught between regaining(I stumbled on this word a bit. I’d omit it and just say “her freedom”) her freedom or losing it (I’d avoid the adverb completely. Makes it a stronger sentence and ups the drama) for the good of the kingdom. She doesn’t have long to decide before the barbarian arrives and escape is no longer an option.
DARK ONE’S MISTRESS, complete at 71,000 words, is a standalone Adult Fantasy novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Aldrea Alien
“Clarabelle!” The cry rang out, scattering the pigeons resting atop the roofs and sending the nearby cats into a fit of hissing as they scampered for cover.
Clara halted on the edge of the street, her face burning as the echo of her mother’s manly bellow continued. All around her, men and women paused in their daily business. The street gained an eerie silence. In the past, she’d heard worldlier folk boast that such deathly quiet could only be heard here in Everdark.
Then someone coughed, another person sneezed, and the sounds flooded back. The hum of talk. The clink of coins. A few turned to stare at her, the young woman in question, but mostly, the irate cry seemed to be forgotten.
A sigh huffed through her lips. Why does she have to scream like that?
(This was a great query and first 150. I only got confused when you mentioned Lenora, so I would tighten that up a bit. This looks like a great concept and story! GREAT job!)
Thanks for the kind offer! Very gracious of you.
Name: Brian W. Taylor
Genre: Horror
E-mail: bwtaylorauthor@yahoo.com
Query: THE KEY TO EDEN
Ms. Scully,
The fate of the world will be decided in the Garden of Eden by one unsuspecting soul. Too bad she doesn’t know who, or what, she really is.
Twenty-year-old Mitsuko Nakamura has no idea she’s half angel, so when an unholy alliance of fallen angels and vampires kick her door down looking for the key to re-enter heaven, murder her best friend, and infect her mother with tainted vampire blood, she doesn’t know where to turn. Not until her uncle helps fend off the attack, and reveals the truth behind her angelic lineage. Now hunted, they must travel to Eden and find the forbidden fruit of knowledge to cure Mitsuko’s mother and uncover the secrets of heaven and earth before it’s too late. All they have to do is fight their way through an army of feral vampires, a group of fallen angels hell bent on humanity’s destruction, and the megalomaniacal angel ruling heaven, who also happens to be Mitsuko’s dead beat father. Caught between two unsparing enemies, Mitsuko must discover who she really is and how to use THE KEY TO EDEN before heaven falls and all of humanity is harvested for its most precious resource of all—their blood.
Complete at 89,000 words, THE KEY TO EDEN is a work of adult horror with strong elements of fantasy; in the vein of The Strain Trilogy, by Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan, and the 2009 film Legion, starring Paul Bettany. This is the first book of an intended trilogy. As per the current submission guidelines, I have pasted the first 150 words below. Thank you for your time and consideration.
With warmest regards,
Brian W. Taylor
First 150 Words:
Shortly before discovering the universe was exponentially larger and way more complex than she could ever imagine, before her attempted murder at the hands of the vampire nation, and long before the discovery she carried the most powerful halo in existence, Mitsuko Nakamura left the lecture hall at Syracuse University feeling strangely fine.
Mitsuko spent most of her Twentieth birthday trying to hide from it. In her opinion, anything that brought unwelcomed attention, including birthdays, was to be avoided like the plague. Her recent breakup probably had something to do with those feelings. All she had to do was make it to her car and she’d be home free.
The long walk to the Hillside parking lot was one she normally made alone. Despite the sunshine and all around pleasantness of the afternoon, something seemed off. She walked on despite the creepy feeling, but the longer she walked, the more the feeling intensified.
Ms. Scully,
The fate of the world will be decided in the Garden of Eden by one unsuspecting soul. Too bad she doesn’t know who, or what, she really is. (I see the mystery you’re trying to build, but it’s coming across too vague. I would combine it by saying this: Too bad Twenty-year-old Mitsuko Nakamura has no idea she is “the key” or “that unsuspecting soul.” – you get the idea)
(Stronger opening:) When an unholy alliance of fallen angels and vampires (kicks down her door) (murders her best friend, and infects her mother with vampire blood – pick one of these) looking for the key to re-enter heaven, (Mitsuko) doesn’t know where to turn. Not until her uncle (fends – make your word choice more active) off the attack and reveals the truth behind her angelic lineage (sounds like this is missing something here like “Not until … does Mitsuko realize she is part angel). Now (This is already implied. Omit: hunted), they must travel to Eden and find the forbidden fruit of knowledge to cure Mitsuko’s mother and uncover the secrets of heaven and earth before it’s too late. All they have to do is fight their way through an army of feral vampires, a group of fallen angels hell bent on humanity’s destruction, and the megalomaniacal angel ruling heaven, who also happens to be Mitsuko’s dead beat father (this is an afterthought in the sentence but could be a cool twist in your query “Not only does she learn… but Mitsuko discovers the angel ruling heaven is her father).
(Paragraph)Caught between two unsparing enemies, Mitsuko must (Cut the rest and make it stronger but just cutting to: Learn) how to use THE KEY TO EDEN before heaven falls and all of humanity is harvested for (their most precious resource (omit: of all)—their blood.
Complete at 89,000 words, THE KEY TO EDEN is a work of adult horror with strong elements of fantasy; in the vein of The Strain Trilogy, by Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan, and the 2009 film Legion, starring Paul Bettany. This is the first book of an intended trilogy (most agents want it to be queried as a “stand alone novel with series potential” rather than a series). As per the current submission guidelines, I have pasted the first 150 words below. Thank you for your time and consideration.
With warmest regards,
Brian W. Taylor
First 150 Words:
Shortly before discovering the universe was exponentially larger and way more complex than she could ever imagine, before her attempted murder at the hands of the vampire nation, and long before the discovery she carried the most powerful halo in existence, Mitsuko Nakamura left the lecture hall at Syracuse University feeling strangely fine.
Mitsuko spent most of her Twentieth birthday trying to hide from it. In her opinion, anything that brought unwelcomed attention, including birthdays, was to be avoided like the plague. Her recent breakup probably had something to do with those feelings. All she had to do was make it to her car and she’d be home free.
The long walk to the Hillside parking lot was one she normally made alone. Despite the sunshine and all around pleasantness of the afternoon, something seemed off. She walked on despite the creepy feeling, but the longer she walked, the more the feeling intensified.
(This is a good query, but needs some tightening, which isn’t a bad thing! The concept is fantastic, but some parts were vague and hard for me to follow in your query. I wanted to help with pacing and timing of your query so the agent wouldn’t get tripped up in the details to learn what the stakes are. The general idea is you want to avoid any vague places in your query because, instead of sounding mysterious, it can come across as too vague. It needs to strike the right balance of intrigue and information.
The first 150 you run into a problem that a lot of writers and agents vaguely talk about, so I will try to show: showing versus telling. By letting us know that this happened “before the current day at her university,” you’re telling us too much too soon. Let the reader be drawn into your story. You could just start with “Mitsuko spent most of her twentieth birthday trying to hide from it.” BAM – I’m intrigued. Why? Because I want to know WHY is she hiding from it. Then go into ” left the lecture hall at Syracuse University feeling strangely fine” because now I know her age and place. Then “the long walk to hillside… the more the feeling intensified” followed by “Her recent breakup probably had something to do with it (she tried to shake the feeling)” or something like that. It better leads us into her head and what she is thinking.)
(Concept-wise, this is AWESOME. I love the premise and think it’s amazing. This is definitely worth querying so I don’t want you to get discouraged by my notes! I think the pitch needs tightening and the writing needs to be more show than tell, but GREAT job!)
Name: Mara A Malins
Genre: Political Fantasy
E-mail: MaraMailins@gmail.com
Query: The Void and Vengeance; The Reaper of Justice
Dear Ms. Scully,
When Dietmar finally awakes after two hundred years of self exile, Lander, the Isle of a thousand Maegicians, trembles. More powerful than any of his brothers, he calls on the Wakeeti, a fearsome tribe of warriors, to aid him. Lander, having no other choice, seeks aid from the Kingdom, the Elves and the Implings. But which side will triumph, with killing politics rife in every faction? And why does all parties seek the control of Malia, a 12 yr old girl from a powerful Kingdom house.
Dietmar knew the fire had burned low, though he couldn’t see the light nor feel the warmth from the flames. He knew because his visions had become as broken and hazy as a drunken dream. Snatches of images flitted through his mind but it wasn’t enough. He needed the fire.
Opening his dry and crusty eyes, sightless and unused for two hundred years, he pointed his face to where the fire would be. There. With a wave of his withered hand and a few silent words beneath his breath, the fire roared to life.
Pausing, he listened to the crackle of the woodless fire, remembering a time when fire meant safety and warmth. And home. He pushed away the sadness and homesickness that threatened to take him, but a memory, as hazy as his visions, danced into his mind. He caught a flash of it. A golden haired girl smiling lovingly to him through a flickering fire. He could almost smell the oaky smoke wafting over him. And the smell of her. The natural flowery smell. He wanted to breathe her deep.
This will be a series of at least four novels; the first – completed – currently stands at 161k words. The second has 30k words down. Thanks!
Mara A
When Dietmar finally awakes after two hundred years of self exile, Lander, the Isle of a thousand Maegicians, trembles (very strong opening!). More powerful than any of his brothers, he calls on the Wakeeti, a fearsome tribe of warriors, to aid him. Lander, having no other choice, seeks aid from the Kingdom, the Elves(,) and the Implings. But which side will triumph, with killing politics rife (awkward wording? Killing Politics rife?) in every faction (try to avoid hypothetical questions)? And why (do) all parties seek the control of Malia, a (twelve-year-old) girl from a powerful Kingdom house.
(Is this the first 150? If it is, never place it in your query)
Dietmar knew the fire had burned low, though he couldn’t see the light nor feel the warmth from the flames. He knew because his visions had become as broken and hazy as a drunken dream. Snatches of images flitted through his mind but it wasn’t enough. He needed the fire.
Opening his dry and crusty eyes, sightless and unused for two hundred years, he pointed his face to where the fire would be. There. With a wave of his withered hand and a few silent words beneath his breath, the fire roared to life.
Pausing, he listened to the crackle of the woodless fire, remembering a time when fire meant safety and warmth. And home. He pushed away the sadness and homesickness that threatened to take him, but a memory, as hazy as his visions, danced into his mind. He caught a flash of it. A golden haired girl smiling lovingly to him through a flickering fire. He could almost smell the oaky smoke wafting over him. And the smell of her. The natural flowery smell. He wanted to breathe her deep.
(OH MAN, this is a KILLER OPENING. It totally hooked me! Fantastic work!)
This will be a series of at least four novels; the first – completed – currently stands at 161k words. (Two notes: Always say “this is a stand alone novel with series potential and is this Adult or YA? Wordcount may become an issue with either as 161K is hard to query agents with in adult and impossible with YA. I’ve heard this from agents and published writers alike. Usually adult is 80-120K. An agent or editor may ask you to knock the word count down, so I wanted to mention it to you before they get on you about that.) The second has 30k words down (you don’t have to mention this. Agents will only want to know about your additional works if they offer and then they’ll be more than happy to talk about what other works you have coming in!)
(Overall, you have an AMAZING first 150 and a query that could use some beefing up. The word count is high and sorry I got on your case about that, but I’ve heard from numerous sources that above 120 or 130K doesn’t go over well with agents and editors alike. Sure, you can write that number later when you have a selling history, but without it, it’s hard to get them to bite on that number and I would hate to see this gem of writing fall by the wayside over too many words. That being said, sometimes agents will take the project on if the love it and ask you to axe the words down a peg. I hope this helps! I’d really love to see you succeed!)
Name ~ L.N. Russell
Genre ~ YA Urban Fantasy
Email ~ Ln40russell at hotmail dot com
January 18, 2013
Ms. Scully,
DISCOVERING FAETH is a completed 84,000 word Young Adult Urban Fantasy set in modern day Meek, Indiana. It is complete and does stand alone, but is the first in a planned series. I am querying multiple agents.
Faeth is a pro at camouflage. She’s spent her whole life blending into the background. She’s good at it. It’s her ‘thing.’ At school, she’s all but invisible to everyone except her friends- Claire and Maille. Her plan has always been:
- Survive high school.
- Get through college.
- Begin living the life she craves.
It was a good plan.
It was a safe plan.
Then . . . Foster moved to town. The first time he looked at her, she literally became lost in his eyes. She saw more than the deep emerald green that mirrored her own. She saw his heart, his soul. In return, he saw hers. That connection forged a friendship stronger than either had known possible. They both began to truly live, to enjoy life for the first time.
After sneaking to a party her parents forbid, Faeth learns two life changing things. First, she’s not human. Second, the Oaltz, a dark line of her kind, are determined to either sway or kill her.
Since discovering her family’s secret, Faeth understands why her passion for nature and drive to protect it is so strong. She is determined to live in the human world, while keeping herself safe from the Oaltz. She knows it will take courage, commitment and sacrifice to embrace her heritage. Thankfully, she’s not alone in her quest to discover who the real Faeth is, or where her path will lead.
I am a freelance writer and small business owner living out my dreams in Indiana. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.
L.N. Russell
First 150 words~
My bag bounces against the back seat as I drive the two predictable miles to school. Pulling in, I see the same crowds of people walking together as every other day. The jocks, who are convinced everyone else is beneath them. The party crew, who hide along the back row, smoking and waiting until the last possible moment to go in, and the ‘normal’ kids who’ve been friends since diapers, there’s just no place for me here. I can’t wait until this is over – my invisibility to the kids I’ve spent every school day with since kindergarten. They aren’t mean to me; they just don’t see me.
‘Suck it up buttercup,’ I mutter, inhaling a long breath of outside air. I gather my things and follow the others; casually searching for one of the two people here that I consider friends- Maille O’Neil or Claire Taylor.
Ms. Scully,
DISCOVERING FAETH is a completed 84,000 word Young Adult Urban Fantasy set in modern day Meek, Indiana. It is complete and does stand alone, but is the first in a planned series. I am querying multiple agents. (This is great information to query – Nice work!)
Faeth is a pro at camouflage. She’s spent her whole life blending into the background. She’s good at it. It’s her ‘thing.’ At school, she’s all but invisible to everyone except her friends- Claire and Maille. Her plan has always been:
- Survive high school.
- Get through college.
- Begin living the life she craves.
(I wouldn’t bullet list these. I think you’ll be more impactful if you place the emphasis on the excellent next two lines. So, I would work it “Her plan has always been survive highschool, get through college, and begin living the life she craves.” Also, the life she craves is very vague. Perhaps more detail? Definitely avoid any vague places in your query)
It was a good plan.
It was a safe plan. (This part is excellent!)
Then Foster move(s – present tense ups tension) to town. The first time he looked at her, she literally (avoid “literally.” I’ve heard agents mention hating using it. On a funnier note, literally here would mean he was sucked into her eyes and lost/trapped there, which would be a cool concept in itself!) became lost in his eyes. She saw more than the deep emerald green that mirrored her own. She saw his heart, his soul. In return, he saw hers. That connection forged a friendship stronger than either had known possible. They both began to truly live, to enjoy life for the first time.
After sneaking to a party (Not really necessary: her parents forbid), Faeth learns two life changing things: First, she’s not human. Second, the Oaltz, a dark line of her kind, are determined to either sway or kill her. (I think we should know this sooner. The connection is neat and beautifully written, but not the meat of the conflict, which is what your query should be. Try to focus on the stakes more than the connection, though it should be mentioned how strong their connection is and why. Also, what sort of “not human”? We should know this sooner too!).
Since discovering her family’s secret, Faeth understands why her passion for nature and drive to protect it is so strong (This part is great and really well done! I’d put this part sooner, though. I’ve read and experienced that it’s better to not make an agent work to find your conflict). (Omit. This part is too vague and not necessary to your plot: She is determined to live in the human world, while keeping herself safe from the Oaltz. She knows it will take courage, commitment and sacrifice to embrace her heritage.) Thankfully, she’s not alone in her quest to discover who the real Faeth is, or where her path will lead (This part confused me? Real Faeth? This might be better explained if I knew who or what she is that isn’t human).
I am a freelance writer and small business owner living out my dreams (Living dreams? Tell us more!) in Indiana. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.
L.N. Russell
First 150 words~
My bag bounces against the back seat as I drive the two predictable miles to school. Pulling in, I see the same crowds of people walking together as every other day. The jocks, who are convinced everyone else is beneath them. The party crew, who hide along the back row, smoking and waiting until the last possible moment to go in, and the ‘normal’ kids who’ve been friends since diapers, there’s just no place for me here. I can’t wait until this is over – my invisibility to the kids I’ve spent every school day with since kindergarten. They aren’t mean to me; they just don’t see me.
‘Suck it up buttercup,’ I mutter, inhaling a long breath of outside air. I gather my things and follow the others; casually searching for one of the two people here that I consider friends- Maille O’Neil or Claire Taylor.
I could hug you! In fact, If I ever meet you, I probably will!
=-)
Dear Cat Scully,
Are you suffering from unprecedented misfortune? Do you find yourself suddenly spitting up gold coins? Ever spontaneously turn into an animal? Contact a Cursebreaker. Seventeen-year-old Morgan Crowley will kiss your curse away… for a fee.
Morgan helps supernatural creatures and displaced people from other worlds and times who are affected by curses, spells, and potions. Business is on the rocks. It’s a hard way to make a living in the modern world when your supernatural clients don’t have bank accounts. Nicholas, her latest client and a prince who thinks he’s a sleeping beauty, becomes her assistant when he can’t pay off his debt to her.
That’s when her whole misordered life starts to come crashing down around her. Sadler, her snake-turned-boy childhood friend, is suddenly acting distant and suspicious while the Caelum Guard, the official supernatural police force, is interfering with her and her Gramps’ business.
Now the Collector has come calling, draining the life out of Morgan’s city and planning to add hers to his already expansive collection of powers… and he seems to have a connection with Prince Nicholas. Morgan must use alliances old and new and everything she knows about magic to defend herself and everyone she loves.
CURSEBREAKER is a 60,000 word humorous fantasy for young adults told from multiple perspectives that incorporates fairytale elements and folklore to tell an unconventional romance of a heroine and her prince in distress.
I graduated from Simmons College in Boston with a BA in English Literature and Writing. I have studied classical mythology and fairy tales from Ireland and Italy. The full manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Lauren Barrett
lauren.barrett1@gmail.com
First 150:
The witch had telekinesis. That hadn’t shown up in Morgan’s research.
Morgan barely managed to dive out of the way of the flying dresser. Nice quality antique, 1900’s, fell out of the witch’s control and crashed to the floor in a wave of splinters.
Morgan hadn’t bring supplies for an angry witch. Typically when she was called in for a job the caster wasn’t still in the vicinity throwing furniture. They usually didn’t hang around the scene of the crime like this.
Where the hell was Sadler?
“Lady, I did not come to fight you.” Morgan swung her bag off of her shoulder and ran behind a display couch towards the front of the store for more cover. Her fingers flew over her phone. ‘Hemlock witch. Get here NOW.’
Morgan had a job to do here. She threw the phone back in her bag and scanned the room for the Riccio brothers. You’d think it would be easy to spot a flock of swans in a furniture store.
Dear Cat Scully,
Are you suffering from unprecedented misfortune? Do you find yourself suddenly spitting up gold coins? Ever spontaneously turn into an animal? Contact a Cursebreaker. Seventeen-year-old Morgan Crowley will kiss your curse away… for a fee. (I can’t begin to tell you how good this opening is. Brilliant job!)
Morgan helps supernatural creatures and displaced people from other worlds (I tripped a little on this part? Maybe time and space?: and times) who are affected by curses, spells, and potions (I’d pick one of these just to make it a little tighter and wow with impact. Personally, I’d go with curses because it summates pretty well). Business is on the rocks. It’s a hard way to make a living in the modern world when your supernatural clients don’t have bank accounts (HA! Nice!). Nicholas, her latest client and a prince who thinks he’s a sleeping beauty (A sleeping beauty?), becomes her assistant when he can’t pay off his debt to her.
That’s when her whole misordered life starts to come crashing down around her. Sadler, her snake-turned-boy childhood friend, is suddenly acting distant and suspicious while the Caelum Guard, the official supernatural police force, is interfering with her and her Gramps’ business (This is great but my only question is, does he run the shop with her? Maybe mention earlier?).
Now the Collector (Who or what is this? Confusing) has come calling, draining the life out of Morgan’s city and planning to add hers (her what?) to his already expansive collection of powers (I would avoid this here: …) and he seems to have a connection with Prince Nicholas. Morgan must use alliances old and new (Double and is throwing me a bit off here) everything she knows about magic to defend herself and everyone she loves.
CURSEBREAKER is a 60,000 word humorous fantasy for young adults told from multiple perspectives that incorporates fairytale elements and folklore to tell an unconventional romance of a heroine and her prince in distress.
I graduated from Simmons College in Boston with a BA in English Literature and Writing. I have studied classical mythology and fairy tales from Ireland and Italy. (I would omit this. They know to request it: The full manuscript is available upon request.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Lauren Barrett
lauren.barrett1@gmail.com
First 150:
The witch had telekinesis. That hadn’t shown up in Morgan’s research.
Morgan barely managed to dive out of the way of the flying dresser. Nice quality antique, 1900’s, fell out of the witch’s control and crashed to the floor in a wave of splinters.
Morgan hadn’t bring (brung?) supplies for an angry witch. Typically(,) when she was called in for a job(,) the caster wasn’t still in the vicinity throwing furniture. They usually didn’t hang around the scene of the crime like this.
Where the hell was Sadler?
“Lady, I did not come to fight you.” Morgan swung her bag off of her shoulder and ran behind a display couch towards the front of the store for more cover. Her fingers flew over her phone. ‘Hemlock witch. Get here NOW.’
Morgan had a job to do here. She threw the phone back in her bag and scanned the room for the Riccio brothers. You’d think it would be easy to spot a flock of swans in a furniture store.
(There is a little bit of tightening to be done here, both in query and 150, but nothing major! This is a REALLY good query and first 150. Plus, the concept, I love! NICE JOB!)
Katie Teller
YA Contemp.
katiejteller at gmail dot com
Query:
Cadence awakes in a hospital to find her husband and daughter dead, killed in a freak earthquake. So when her guardian angel appears and offers her a chance to go back in time with all the knowledge she has, she accepts, desperate to prevent their deaths.
She shoots back eleven years to her fourteen-year-old self, and faces high school all over again. She is determined to do everything better, including preventing the loss of her best friend which broke her heart, and not dating any of her original, drama inducing boyfriends. Her main focus is on her future husband, who she won’t meet for several years.
But James Gordon crosses her path. While she wishes to remain single, the bad boy pursues her in this new timeline. He threatens to disrupt everything that is to come as she begins to grow unwanted feelings for him, and he could distract her from her original goal: to save her future family.
Deceptive Cadence is a YA Contemporary running at 85,000
First 150 words:
A steady beep brought me out of unconsciousness. My eyes felt heavy and I struggled to open them. There was a distinct aroma of cleaning products. My brain switched on as I realized where I was. I forced my eyes open and the beeping sped up. The walls were white in the hospital room, and directly across from me was a closed bathroom door. To my left was a brown couch under a window – which was covered by blinds – and to my right was a tan leather armchair. I was completely alone. Where was my family? My husband? My eighteen-month-old daughter?
I tried to sit up but my whole body writhed with pain. I moaned, and a second later a nurse, dressed in aqua scrubs, burst into the room. “It’s all right, just don’t move,” she said in a soothing voice.
I wanted to ask a million questions, but I couldn’t seem to form any words
Query:
Cadence awakes in a hospital to find her husband and daughter dead, killed in a freak earthquake. So when her guardian angel appears and offers her a chance to go back in time with all the knowledge she has, she accepts, desperate to prevent their deaths.
She shoots (travels would be better here) back eleven years to her fourteen-year-old self, and faces high school all over again. She is determined to do everything better, including preventing the loss of her best friend which broke her heart, and not dating any of her original, drama(-)inducing boyfriends. Her main focus is on her future husband, who she won’t meet for several years.
But James Gordon crosses her path. While she wishes to remain single, the bad boy pursues her (This is implied: in this new timeline). He threatens to disrupt everything that is to come as she begins to (fall for him?) grow unwanted feelings for him, and (omit: could) distract her from her original goal: to save her future family.
Deceptive Cadence is a YA Contemporary running at 85,000. (Contemporary? Sounds more fantasy?)
First 150 words:
A steady beep brought me out of unconsciousness. My eyes felt heavy and I struggled to open them. There was a distinct aroma of cleaning products. My brain switched on as I realized where I was. I forced my eyes open and the beeping sped up. The walls were white in the hospital room, and directly across from me was a closed bathroom door. To my left was a brown couch under a window – which was covered by blinds – and to my right was a tan leather armchair. I was completely alone. Where was my family? My husband? My eighteen-month-old daughter?
I tried to sit up but my whole body writhed with pain. I moaned, and a second later a nurse, dressed in aqua scrubs, burst into the room. “It’s all right, just don’t move,” she said in a soothing voice.
I wanted to ask a million questions, but I couldn’t seem to form any words
(This is a great query and excellent first 150. I was immediately pulled into the story and felt like I was in her head. Brilliant work!)
Dear Ms. Scully,
Fifteen year-old Nicolai – a raptor shapeshifter with no memories of his past – arrives in the capital of a modern country in search of a clan that will feed, shelter and protect him. Shapeshifters stick to their own species when forming clans and Nicolai, as one of the last dinosaurs alive, is homeless until he meets Zander, a shifter who belongs to a small clan composed of only mythological shapeshifters – a dragon, a unicorn, a phoenix and a griffin.
Unfortunately, they have no interest in accepting a new member to their family. Nicolai must convince them to accept him while fending off his psychotic twin brother, Alexei, who wishes to kill him for reasons Nicolai can’t remember.
After doing him a favor, Zander decides to give Nicolai a chance and allow him to live with his clan for the moment. They enroll him into a human school, where he is reunited with an old friend named Anna. His feelings for her are rekindled, but relationships between humans and shapeshifters are forbidden and the last thing Zander wants for his clan is unwanted attention from other shifters.
Under the protection of the legendary shapeshifters, Alexei can no longer attack Nicolai directly. This doesn’t stop his insane obsession on killing the brother who doesn’t remember him. Alexei finds and awakens powerful Elemental shapeshifters and uses them to attack Zander’s clan. He even kidnaps Anna in order to lure Nicolai from safety.
With no one to hide behind, Nicolai must stop running from his problems and gather the courage to finally confront his brother and rescue his new family.
Beasts is a completed 100,000-word Young Adult fantasy novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Amber J. Gardner
Chapter 1
Nicolai nearly fell, his sneakers skidding on the wet pavement. He kept his balance, panting hard as he ran for his life. Their growls grew louder as they gained on him, their jaws snapping at his heels.
A chain link fence loomed ahead, but he didn’t dare slow down. He hopped on the dumpster and leaped onto the fence, climbing for the top.
The lions collided against the fence below, standing on their hind legs. One took a swipe at him and got ahold of the bottom of his jeans. It tugged him towards their teeth, but Nicolai kicked out and connected with something. The denim tore and he didn’t stop moving till he reached the top of the fence.
“I’ll get you for that!”
Nicolai looked down and saw that they had shifted into their other forms. The one who yelled sported a broken nose, blood seeping into down his white t-shirt, staining his gold necklaces.
I forgot my email. It’s amberjgardner at gmail dot com.
Dear Ms. Scully,
Fifteen year-old Nicolai – a raptor shapeshifter with no memories of his past – arrives in the capital of a modern country (what country? Too vague) in search of a clan that will feed, shelter(,) and protect him. (I wouldn’t describe your world too much in your query unless it’s pertinent to the central conflict you’re trying to pitch, so I would omit this: Shapeshifters stick to their own species when forming clans and) Nicolai, one of the last dinosaurs alive, is homeless until he meets Zander, a shifter (what type of shifter is he?) who belongs to a small clan composed of only mythological shapeshifters (You don’t need to detail this, I would omit and just name what type he is: – a dragon, a unicorn, a phoenix and a griffin.)
Unfortunately, they have no interest in accepting a new member to their family. Nicolai must convince them to accept him while fending off his psychotic twin brother, Alexei, who wishes to kill him for reasons Nicolai can’t remember (I thought that Nicolai was the last of his kind? How is that so if he has a twin? Confused on this part).
After doing him a favor, Zander decides to give Nicolai a chance and allow him to live with his clan for the moment. They enroll him into a human school, where he is reunited with an old friend named Anna (Is she a shifter too?). His feelings for her are rekindled, but relationships between humans and shapeshifters are forbidden and the last thing Zander wants for his clan is unwanted attention from other shifters (again, too much detail. We need to know more action-oriented conflict and only the pertinent details to describe the conflict. This is reading a bit too wordy).
Under the protection of the legendary shapeshifters (Are these the mythological shapeshifters?), Alexei can no longer attack Nicolai (omit:directly). This doesn’t stop his insane obsession (omit. Already mentioned he wants to kill his brother: on killing the brother who doesn’t remember him.) Alexei finds and awakens powerful Elemental shapeshifters and uses them to attack Zander’s clan (and) kidnaps Anna in order to lure Nicolai from safety.
With no one to (turn to), Nicolai must stop running from his problems and gather the courage to finally confront his brother and rescue his new family.
Beasts is a completed 100,000-word Young Adult fantasy novel. (I mentioned this in another entry, but an agent/editor may comment on the word count being too high for a YA debut novel, even a fantasy like this one. It isn’t too much over the usual cap around 85K so it may not be an issue, but definitely something that might happen to you so I wanted to give you a heads up just in case!)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Amber J. Gardner
Chapter 1
Nicolai nearly fell, his sneakers skidding on the wet pavement. He kept his balance, panting hard as he ran for his life. Their growls grew louder as they gained on him, their jaws snapping at his heels.
A chain link fence loomed ahead, but he didn’t dare slow down. He hopped on the dumpster and leaped onto the fence, climbing for the top.
The lions collided against the fence below, standing on their hind legs. One took a swipe at him and got ahold of the bottom of his jeans. It tugged him towards their teeth, but Nicolai kicked out and connected with something. The denim tore and he didn’t stop moving till he reached the top of the fence.
“I’ll get you for that!”
Nicolai looked down and saw that they had shifted into their other forms. The one who yelled sported a broken nose, blood seeping into down his white t-shirt, staining his gold necklaces.
(I love how action-oriented this first 150 is! Very nice. I felt like I was running along with Nikolai and really liked the way it eased into the story. Only suggestion would be to maybe have some dialogue a bit sooner? The query needs more work than the first 150 because right now it’s reading too long and I’m having trouble figuring out the centralized conflict. The good news is, it’s an easy fix to centralize the conflict and tighten the query. Try to aim for two paragraphs of conflict and a sentence or two of closure. Less is more in your pitch, but make sure it’s the right balance of intrigue and information. We don’t need to know every detail of the world to get the conflict here. That will come in your book!)
Talynn Lynn
YA Historical Fantasy
inkinthebook@gmail.com
Query:
Memories, lost identities, and expectations haunt Ashton Driver and River Morgan. They are strangers connected by a force that neither understand. Ashton wishes to succeed with his new mission to rescue the damsel in distress. After all, if he wins, he gets the girl. While River struggles to survive her curious identity crisis, decisions must be made before lives are lost or forgotten.
Ashton is every girl’s dream with mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos that change with every new military command. Survival and protection of the weak comes natural to him. However, with the recent instructions to find the missing princess, his heart melts. Oh, the princess is beautiful all right, and smart, too. The catch? She’s one hundred years old.
While Ashton prepares for his mission at the Shadow Academy, River fights for her life in a world where she is the target. She’s the Keeper of the Memory Book, an animated diary where she records the memories of everyone. It has the power to bring memories alive or erase them, never to be remembered. She must protect the Book and herself, or she’s destined to live as nothing more than a memory. When the Book is stolen, River is the first person to experience the overwhelming power of the journal.
Ashton and River eventually cross paths and their futures become more complicated. Ashton’s heart belongs to the princess, but he finds River mysterious, yet irresistible. River is an important piece to Ashton’s puzzle and he must discover why because the risk is way too high: return with his new princess bride or die.
First 150:
River tore a piece of material from the hem of her petticoat and wrapped it around her hand, clenching the cloth between her teeth. The white linen turned red before she finished tying the knot. Her stomach tightened and for a moment she thought she would be sick. Taking in a long breath calmed her enough to stop the shakes in her hands. An image laced with pink swirled through her mind, yet River didn’t recognize it.
I have to get away. How did they find me? Oh God! What am I going to do? Where can I go?
Staggering to her feet, River leaned against the side of the wagon. She strained her ears for any noise, any movement. Nothing. She had to hurry, before they came back for her. No time to think, no time to waste. They would return once they knew their assassin had failed.
Memories, lost identities, and expectations (what sort of expectations? Intrigue is good but it’s a little too vague. Maybe just stick to “memories and lost identities) haunt Ashton Driver and River Morgan. They are strangers connected by a force that neither understand. Ashton wishes to succeed with his new mission to rescue the damsel in distress. (starting with Ashton then River makes this part of your pitch stronger, so I thought I would suggest it) River struggles to survive her (omit: curious) identity crisis, decisions (Too vague? What sort of decisions?) must be made before lives are lost or forgotten.
Ashton is every girl’s dream with mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos that change with every new military command (What a great line! Maybe consider starting your query here!). Survival and protection of the weak comes natural to him, (but not matters of the heart… or something like that. This ties it into what a change it is for his heart to melt in the next sentence.) However, with (his) recent (mission) to find the missing princess, his heart melts.(This is a different voice from the rest of the query. I like it but something feels off about it: Oh, the princess is beautiful all right, and smart, too. The catch? She’s one hundred years old.)
(This feels like jumping back and forth in the story:)While Ashton prepares for his mission at the Shadow Academy, River fights for her life in a world (what world? An alternate one? A kingdom? Curious to know more!) where she is the target. She’s the Keeper of the Memory Book, an animated diary where she records the memories of everyone. It has the power to bring memories alive or erase them, never to be remembered. She must protect the Book and herself, or she’s destined to live as nothing more than a memory. When the Book is stolen, River is the first person to experience the overwhelming power of the journal.
Ashton and River eventually cross paths and their futures become more complicated (I’d reword this. Complicated is too vague). Ashton’s heart belongs to the princess, but he finds River mysterious, yet irresistible. River is an important piece to Ashton’s puzzle and he must discover why because the risk is way too high: return with his new princess bride or die.
(Definitely mention here the word count, genre, and whether it’s YA/MG/Adult and your writing credentials, if any).
First 150:
River tore a piece of material from the hem of her petticoat and wrapped it around her hand, clenching the cloth between her teeth. The white linen turned red before she finished tying the knot. Her stomach tightened and for a moment(.) (S)he thought she would be sick. Taking in a long breath calmed her enough to stop the shakes in her hands. An image laced with pink swirled through her mind, yet River didn’t recognize it.
I have to get away. How did they find me? Oh God! What am I going to do? Where can I go?
Staggering to her feet, River leaned against the side of the wagon. She strained her ears for any noise, any movement. Nothing. She had to hurry, before they came back for her. No time to think, no time to waste. They would return once they knew their assassin had failed.
All of these entries sound awesome! Maybe we should wish Cat good luck in her task of choosing the winners! You have one tough choice ahead of you, ma’am!