Hello all!
Welcome to my portion of the blog hop and thanks for taking a gander at my pitch Super Villains and Minions! Glad to meet you all!
Come join the blog hope HERE for a chance at publication for Curiosity Quills!
Here’s my pitch:
For generations, the Blackwell family of Mediums and Ghost Hunters has helped lost ghosts and destroyed the deadly soul-eating wraiths. Fifteen-year-old Marcus is next in line to lead his family but only if he can find a powerful Medium to join the ranks of his dwindling clan. While on assignment to help a mother find the ghost of her son, Marcus stumbles across a powerful Medium: Jennifer Strange.
Recruiting Jennifer is difficult because, despite seeing a ghost child tear apart her chemistry class, she still doesn’t believe in the supernatural. When Jennifer discovers she can touch ghosts, Marcus must help her trust in her budding abilities to save the young ghost before a wraith devours the souls of the young spirit and the Blackwell family.
JENNIFER STRANGE is a 55,000 word paranormal horror where “Ghostbusters” meets Kendare Blake’s “Anna Dressed in Blood” for both male and female young adult readers. JENNIFER STRANGE is a stand-alone novel with series potential.
My publishing credits include short fiction and poetry published in multiple issues of literary magazines “the Nomad” and “Vision and Voice.” I currently write book reviews for Kerlak Publishing while working towards my creative writing MFA at Kennesaw State University. I hold memberships with the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators, Horror Writers Association, and the Georgia Writers Association.
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Sooo much better! I can see Marcus’s background, what he wants, what stands in his way, what will happen if he fails, and what he has to do to succeed. The only tweek I’d suggest is to elaborate a touch on what makes Jennifer strange and how her powers will make success possible. She IS the title character, after all….
I love the new pitch! Its much better. (I saw the first one during GUTGAA.) I also agree with Robin about adding a bit more about Jennifer.
Is the book in Marcus’ POV throughout, or is it dual POV with Jennifer and Marcus alternating?
It’s alternating chapters from Marcus’s and Jennifer’s POV throughout. Robin suggested I eliminate that from my pitch in case that might not be the Editor or Agent’s cup of tea.
Thanks for stopping by my pitch during #GUTGAA and following up here to review the new entry! I really appreciate the feedback!
- Catherine
You know I love this premise already. While I really like this pitch, I wish it had more about Jennifer since she is the title character as Robin has said. Here’s my critique and I hope it helps:
For generations, the Blackwell family has helped lost ghosts and destroyed the deadly soul-devouring wraiths hunting them. Fifteen-year-old Marcus is next in line to lead his family of Mediums and Ghost Hunters, but only if he can find a powerful Medium to join the ranks of his dwindling clan. While on assignment to help a mother find the ghost of her son, Marcus stumbles on the most powerful Medium in existence: Jennifer Strange. (Here would be a good place to give an example of her power.)
Despite seeing a ghost child tear apart her chemistry class, Jennifer still doesn’t believe in the supernatural, making recruiting her difficult. Now, Marcus must help Jennifer with her new-found powers before a wraith devours the souls of the young ghost and the Blackwell family. (I wish your stakes were a little more pumped up. What happens if the wraith devours the souls? End with a bang!)
Not much needs done here. Again, great story. I’d read it!
I never commented on the query during GUTGAA, but I read it and I can say this improvement is awesome. I was able to follow the story so much better. Nice job, well done, and Bravo:)
I really like this query. This book sounds right up my alley!
Here are my thoughts:
For generations, the Blackwell family of Mediums and Ghost Hunters has helped lost ghosts and destroyed the deadly soul-eating wraiths. Fifteen-year-old Marcus is next in line to lead his family but only if he can find a powerful Medium to join the ranks of his dwindling clan. While on assignment to help a mother find the ghost of her son, Marcus stumbles a[cross a] Medium with a unique ability to touch ghosts: Jennifer Strange.
Marcus finds [Delete Marcus finds; it's passive] r[R]ecruiting Jennifer [strong verb] difficult because [comma] despite seeing a ghost child tear apart her chemistry class, she still doesn’t believe in the supernatural. When Jennifer discovers her unique gift [I'm assuming this is a pivotal point in the book, but this sentence reads as bland. Spruce it up] , Marcus must help her to [delete 'to'] believe [I would add something like "in the paranormal world she's always refused" or something] and save the ghost before a wraith devours the souls of the young spirit and the Blackwell family.
Thanks! I really like your suggestions! It’s helping tighten this query up a lot.
I’ll go ahead and try to make these adjustments. I particularly like the elimination of the words you recommended.
Thanks again!
- Catherine
CS,
Just a minion, but sounds exciting.
Wishing you all the best on this journey!
Just a minion here, but I
Hey, Cat!
I agree with the others– this is a much improved version. I actually wanted to comment on the “bio” paragraph. I think you have a great list of accomplishments, but I’ve read a number of agents saying that unless it’s directly related to the book (such as degree in WWII history writing a WWII historical fiction), it’s not really relevant. Other agents/editors disagree, though, so I would say just make sure to try and find out if possible before hand what their opinion is. If they aren’t interested in the bio stuff, it’s easy to cut, otherwise you’re probably fine!
Hi Fellow-Minion. Love ghosts, my story has some too. I thought your query was great overall. I did have a couple of questions
Marcus must help her trust in her budding abilities to save the young ghost before a wraith devours the souls of the young spirit and the Blackwell family.
Is saving that one ghost going to somehow eliminate all wraiths? Or is only one wraith interested in devouring the souls of that particular spirt AND the Blackwell family? And if it’s just one wraith, why has he/she singled out that ghost and that family?
It’s only one wraith devouring the souls of that spirit and the family. I don’t want to give too much away there as it’s a reveal in the book as to why the wraith wants the ghost and the family.
I’m glad it made you wonder! It’s meant to be a lead in to bigger things that happen later.
Love this! Saw it during Pitch Madness, and I love the updated pitch. Also, the name ‘Jennifer Strange’ is fantastic. I would like to hear a bit more about Jennifer in the query, and, for something nitpicky, I think I would cut “…a powerful Medium to join the ranks of his dwindling clan,” to just, “…a powerful Medium to join the ranks.” I think that his recruiting her to his clan is implied. But, I think this premise is great! Good luck!
Been staring at this for a while and, you know, I can’t think of a thing I would change.
Good luck with it. ^_^
Hi, I’m very curious about your story, and impressed with your pitch. What I liked about your pitch was that it actually engaged me, I forgot I was reading a pitch. I don’t see anything that needs to be changed. Best of luck!
This is solid, and a big improvement from the GUTGAA version. Good job!
Bah, I really hate reading your queries, Cat. They just keep getting better and better and it makes me want to read the book even more and dammit just get published already!! =D I have to say that I think this query is perfect! I didn’t think it was possible to salivate over this story any more than I already do, but you proved me wrong. AMAZING job!
Nice! One tiny thing… CQ specifies not submitting your writing history. Easy fix. I’ve just learned to double check the specific req’s of each submission because they are all very specific about what they want.